Mixed Emotions

Sometimes days start out one way and end another. I had a great day at work...the owner gave my manager & I his credit card & told us to have lunch on him. I had a delicious filet mignon, mashed potatoes & veggies for $10.00 at Pascal in Fashion Island (they have a $10.00 menu before 6:30 pm.) Then we stopped and got some Gelato Paradiso. By the time we got back to work it was time for me to go home (now that's what I call a perfect work day:D) 

At 6:00 p.m. my son Elijah had a 7 on 7 game against the Edison Alumni (he got 2 picks). I was on picture duty as usual, but I love it...it puts me right in the middle of the action. By the time I got home, things were all good. But after I received a phone call, my day quickly turned. I had a little melt down. I'm not a crier AT ALL. I'm a pretty tough cookie who holds things in. I usually just suck it up and  "deal with it." But every once in a while, something can strike a cord with me and after the phone conversation, I couldn't hold it in.

On the rare occasions I do break down I try to make sure I'm all alone. But the tears started to come and my hubby was in the room. I kept trying to hold them back, but they slowly trickled down. Eventually he caught on and since it's such a rare occasion, he wasn't quite sure how to react. Poor guy. He came over to give me a hug & I said, "No hugs...it'll only make me cry more." So he just kind of stood there looking at me. Then kept asking, "What's wrong?" I finally broke down and told him my feelings were hurt (another thing I never want to admit.) He was so sweet he just listened (*something he's been working on~guys try to fix things but girls usually just want their man to listen.)

Sometimes feelings flare up and cause, moments, and I was definitely having my moment. After I had a good cry, he said, "Can I hug you now?" I let him this time. He then asked if he could pray with me. Of course I said yes. I felt much better after he finished. I have to admit, I don't like having a girl moment at all. But sometimes it's just unavoidable.

I was thinking how fickle our emotions are...up and down...back and forth...round and round. The one thing that's certain, even though our perfect days may not end up perfect...things ALWAYS get better. So as I write this, yes my feelings were hurt. Yes, I lost it for a moment. Do I need to dwell on it, no. Emotions can take us on a roller coaster ride. Emotions can control our reality if we let it. It's good to let things out, but our emotions can't always be trusted. They blow in and out like the passing of the wind. Don't get lost in the emotion of the moment. My boss told me her friend who had cancer always used to say, "Breathe in...breathe out...move on."

Just Needing To Vent

This week's been really challenging for me. My dad isn't doing well. They haven't given him much time left, but he continues to fight. The cancer has taken his strength, stamina, and ability to perform everyday normal activities, but it can't take his incredible spirit and will. What he's had to endure is beyond anything I can imagine. But he never complains & when he was able, he always approached each day looking to do something for others, ignoring what his own struggles were. Unfortunately he's bed ridden now and I'm unable to be in Utah to help. It's tearing me up.
 
To multiply things, my oldest son has been going through some difficult times recently. Things that as a mom you wish you could step in and fix, but I can't. It's learning lessons, things he has to do on his own, I can't rescue him. It hurts my heart to see him going through so much right now. But I know I can't save my kids from every life learning lesson, they have to go through the tough times, just like I did. It's just hard to sit back and watch, especially with my emotions so raw right now, I feel like crying at the drop of a hat (which is not like me...I rarely break down.) 

Each day I make sure to do my scripture study & pray before I leave the house, which is the only thing that's keeping me from completely losing it, knowing I'm not alone, that my Heavenly Father cares & is with me through all of this.

 I just needed to let it out tonight. I know how caring and supportive you all are, so thanks for letting me vent.