Closing Chapters

I received the news that I was waiting for mid afternoon on Tuesday. I have to admit that it wasn't a shock, I was expecting it. It did however signal finality, closure to a long ordeal that I had prolonged forever.

I'd imagined this moment for years...how happy and free I would feel. The burdens would be lifted, I would be okay again. However, something was different. I was relieved that it was done and I was happy for myself and my family. But I sat alone trying to pinpoint why I wasn't ecstatic. This is the final chapter of a LONG story. I should have been going crazy with the excitement of being DONE. You see, this "thing" that I've been dealing with was also going to cause hurt for someone else.

Over the years and during my many struggles as a single mom, and dealing with the pain of my first husband cheating on me, I've learned to have empathy for others. I constantly put myself in their shoes. My moment of joy was no longer complete...I knew that someone was seriously hurt and I felt bad for them. It wasn't something done intentionally, it was the unfortunate residual fall out of this "thing."

I wish I could help them feel better. Let them know that I'm sorry they are hurting and that time & God heals all pain. These aren't just words, I know this because of all that I've been through and the change that's occurred in my life.

As I write this final closing chapter, so many emotions are racing inside of me. I hope that through the joy, pain, sorrow and new beginnings, everyone will emerge stronger, and closer as new relationships begin to form.

GOODBYE OLD BURDENS
By: Lisa Petrarca

Goodbye to my burdens & pain
I've carried you around with nothing to gain.
You've broken me down
Pinning my soul to the ground
While I was unable to make a sound

Wanting to cry out with shame
With no one but myself to blame
Holding it deep inside
Running fast to push it aside
Waiting for the day that I could confide

Goodbye to my burdens & pain
I can now start to explain
Peace of mind I will finally obtain
No longer will I be held by this chain
A new beginning I will now attain

GOODBYE TO MY BURDENS & PAIN

The Loss of Daul

Photos of Model Daul Kim

Four months ago I stumbled across Daul Kim's Blog through Models.com. Daul was a famous Korean Model who was also a very talented painter. She wrote for a magazine and made frequent television appearances.

I've been following & commenting on Daul’s Blog regularly. Her deep sadness and sorrow was evident in her writing. I felt a sense of protectiveness because of her vulnerability. I always tried to write uplifting things to encourage her. She never responded but she did visit my Blog several times. I continued to feel the need to read her writings daily...I wanted to help her in some way. Trying to reach her deep lonliness. I last left a message on November 8th. Nothing inspirational or encouraging just idle talk. I clicked on her Blog late Wednesday night the 18th (her final post)...but never left a comment. She had posted a You Tube video with techno music and a final post: "say hi to...forever."

Upon hearing of her passing I felt such a deep sorrow. She was not only beautiful, but a deep, passionate & intelligent person. Reports say she was found hanging in her Paris apartment on November 19th by her boyfriend.

What could have been said to help her and change this? What did everyone around her miss?

My answer would have to be…no one ever knows the extent of someone’s depression. They become masters at hiding the pain behind humor. The mask that is worn is often a perfect disguise. But the writings tell of something deeper. We each need to really LISTEN to those around us who may be secretly crying out.

You will be missed Daul.

My prayers go out to her family and friends. Such an incredible loss of a beautiful, talented and intelligent, 20 year old girl with her whole life ahead of her.