You Make a Difference In My Day

The day after my last post, I found myself feeling much better. There's just something therapeutic about writing. It releases all the pent up feelings...letting them flow freely over the internet. And to my surprise, some very special blogging "friends" left wonderful, encouraging, and thoughtful replies. 

My dad is still on a roller coaster ride with his health. Not much has changed, he continues to fight. But it's a new day, he's still with us and I am grateful that the initial 1 year diagnosis has turned into 5+ years. We've been blessed. We've been given more time with him than we were initially expecting. So even though things are tough, we still cling to the hope of a Miracle & know that God has the final say.

My son is doing better. He's had some struggles to overcome but he did in fact learn a valuable lesson that will benefit him in the long wrong. Everything happens for a reason, even if we can't see it while we're going through it. Yes...it was a hard week, but the sun continues to shine & the raw emotions settle down. Each day brings renewed hope.

 I just want to thank you for being a part of my life, for accepting me, caring and taking the time to leave comments. It means a lot...you make a difference in my day! 

Closing Chapters

I received the news that I was waiting for mid afternoon on Tuesday. I have to admit that it wasn't a shock, I was expecting it. It did however signal finality, closure to a long ordeal that I had prolonged forever.

I'd imagined this moment for years...how happy and free I would feel. The burdens would be lifted, I would be okay again. However, something was different. I was relieved that it was done and I was happy for myself and my family. But I sat alone trying to pinpoint why I wasn't ecstatic. This is the final chapter of a LONG story. I should have been going crazy with the excitement of being DONE. You see, this "thing" that I've been dealing with was also going to cause hurt for someone else.

Over the years and during my many struggles as a single mom, and dealing with the pain of my first husband cheating on me, I've learned to have empathy for others. I constantly put myself in their shoes. My moment of joy was no longer complete...I knew that someone was seriously hurt and I felt bad for them. It wasn't something done intentionally, it was the unfortunate residual fall out of this "thing."

I wish I could help them feel better. Let them know that I'm sorry they are hurting and that time & God heals all pain. These aren't just words, I know this because of all that I've been through and the change that's occurred in my life.

As I write this final closing chapter, so many emotions are racing inside of me. I hope that through the joy, pain, sorrow and new beginnings, everyone will emerge stronger, and closer as new relationships begin to form.

GOODBYE OLD BURDENS
By: Lisa Petrarca

Goodbye to my burdens & pain
I've carried you around with nothing to gain.
You've broken me down
Pinning my soul to the ground
While I was unable to make a sound

Wanting to cry out with shame
With no one but myself to blame
Holding it deep inside
Running fast to push it aside
Waiting for the day that I could confide

Goodbye to my burdens & pain
I can now start to explain
Peace of mind I will finally obtain
No longer will I be held by this chain
A new beginning I will now attain

GOODBYE TO MY BURDENS & PAIN

Balancing the Computer and Family

I'm trying to balance my computer time vs. family time. This is a funny thing to have to think about, but I find myself on the computer a lot longer than I spend quality time with my husband and kids.

Whenever I have some down time, I love to get on the computer and write. Writing is my passion, it makes me feel complete. Being a mom often pulls you in so many directions that you have to find a few things that bring you happiness too. The problem I've noticed lately is that I'm a little out of balance. While I'm on the computer, my kids will be playing video games or up in their room watching t.v.

When they were little we were always doing things together. Times have changed...I sometimes forget about making time and continuing to build those special relationships. The kids are getting older and more independent. But I realized that this is still an important time to stay close (even if they sometimes push you away). I want to have a strong relationship with my teenagers. I need to find more balance in my life and stop escaping behind the computer.

I implemented FAMILY GAME NIGHT once a week, starting this weekend. I thought the kids would say, "This is stupid! I don't want to do this." I did a practice run yesterday and invited my 20 year son to play a game of Yahtzee with me and Elijah (we were the only ones at home). I didn't really think he would, but he sat right down at the table! WHAT...even a twenty year old craves quality family time?!!! My stepson came over last night and said, "When is family game night?" I think it will be a hit!

I'm excited to be able to have QUALITY time with my busy kids. Family is the most important thing, along with keeping the communication open. MY SOLUTION~LESS COMPUTER~MORE FAMILY TIME!

A Day of Change

I came home from work just as Josh was getting ready to leave for his interview. I had to leave to go to Elijah's basketball game and waited for his call. For those of you who don't know Josh...he is a man of VERY FEW words. It's like pulling teeth to get detailed information. He said that he thought it went well...that's about all I got. I don't want to be a meddling mother so I left it at that.

Thank you all for your prayers...he needs a job so bad! He is really depressed right now, this will help him to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I got home from the game, Jason (my nephew) had just dropped Josh off here. He has nowhere else to go and doesn't want to stay here at all! He was crying and said that he doesn't want to talk to me. He's still angry with me about something that happened a year ago that disrupted my kids lives. His dad continually filled his head with a bunch of negative things about me.

Needless to say, our relationship has been a surface one. He spends time with me but it's usually a little strained. I tried to tell him that we can use this time to get everything in his life straightened out and then he can eventually get an apartment. He is too upset right now...he wants to live at my sisters with his cousin. Luckily my wise brother-in-law put his foot down, (my nephew and son are not good together and bring each other down) he told him he cannot live there and needs to go home to his mom.

We'll see what happens...lots of prayers are needed right now! Change is always hard, but necessary for growth.

Never Daddy's Little Girl

I often wonder what it would be like to have that special relationship that you often hear daughters have with their fathers. To have them look at you with pride and admiration, knowing that under any circumstance daddy will protect them, be there for them and guide them through all their joy, heartache and tears. I sometimes sit and watch the little girls at the park with their dads, beaming from ear to ear as they are pushed back and forth on the swing. Knowing that as they lunge forward high into the sky….daddy will be there waiting on their way back down. Laughter echoes across the park as both father and daughter delight in their time together. I walk down to the beach and see a dad walking his dog with his teenage daughter. The outward appearance to a casual onlooker would show a daughter embarrassed to be seen with her dad, however I see a very different picture. The father is teasing and joking with his daughter, tousling her hair as she wrinkles her face, trying to disguise her obvious delight in her father's playfulness. The façade she shows the world as she spends quality time with her dad has now been exposed, as her giggle becomes a boisterous cackle. High school arrives…dating, driving, prom….I watch as the girls stand around dressed in their beautiful dresses, hair piled in flowing ringlets on top of their head. Make up, nails and heels…flashes of light as the pictures are being snapped one right after another. Each father holding on tightly to his now grown daughter not wanting to let her go off with a boy he hardly knows. Looking into their eyes you can almost hear their thoughts, "Who will protect her if anything goes wrong". The daughters glow with a radiance of peace, comfort, and affection, as they enter the limo and look back adoringly at their devoted fathers. These are the pictures that are a daily reminder of the relationship, love and affection that somehow passed me by. I never had those special moments….that special relationship that every little girl dreams of. Daddy's little girl is something that somehow jumped past my childhood, teenage years and adult life, just as a raging forest fire burns hotly through a town with every house being saved except that one individual home. Everyone rushes back to see the wonder and amazement of their life and belongings. As I rush back to stare at the charred, broken and crumbled remains. I quickly turn to look around in awe at the view around me. Daddy's little girl is something that will never be for me….but my life has taught me to take joy in the moments that seem ordinary to others. A life that will be used to encourage, inspire and lift up those girls who will never be "daddy's little girl".