New Beginnings

We had the most amazing time on our anniversary trip to Mendocino. That place is gorgeous! I'll be posting the pictures this weekend...there's sooo many of them that it's going to take me a while. I have a couple of funny story's too. But I want to post the pics to go along with it so you can get the full effect.

Today started a new beginning, I have some things that I've been dealing with from the past lately. This morning I had to meet with some people and I was really nervous because it's kind of an awkward, but necessary step to fix some issues that have been hanging over my head for a long time. Before I left, my stomach was killing me. I just didn't want to have to face any of it.

I was however pleasantly surprised. It was a little uncomfortable, but the people I met with were great. They were both warm and seemed to be very receptive. I actually realized that under different circumstances, the girl would have been someone that I probably would have been friends with. She just seemed like a great person.

Everything went pretty smooth and I left there feeling a bit closer to the closure that I need for myself as well as my family.

Its funny how we build up situations in our minds, making ourselves literally sick, only to find out that it wasn't as bad as we had anticipated.

One step closer...so here's to NEW BEGINNINGS in 2010!

WHY DO I GO TO THAT PLACE!

I'm not sure if any of you find yourselves visiting THAT PLACE? I tend to stop by on special occassions. This weekend was one of those little visits...it was quite a bit shorter than my usual stops. In my younger days the visits would be quite often and a lot longer. I was very good at sneaking around once I was there, trying to avoid the inevitable...staying for WAY too long!

Now that I've gotten a little older, I've figure out when I start to get nervous, anxious or edgy...it's time to grab hold of myself...AND LEAVE IMMEDIATELY! I HATE THAT PLACE!! Well on Sunday while I was getting ready, I felt it start to come on. I pushed the feelings aside and decided to prepare a little before I left so I would be ready. I read and tried to figure out as much information as I could, preparation helps a little.

I grabbed my camera said a little prayer and headed out the door. My initial instinct was to avoid THAT PLACE...I was doing really good, relaxed somewhat prepared...closer and closer, almost there and feeling pretty good. Picked up my husband, we started talking and then it started! I began to get edgy, everything he was saying was bugging me. He was a little startled at my demeanor and said in his gruff Italian, East Coast way, "What's the matter with you?" "Oh be quiet...you're BUGGING ME! I shot back. "WHATEVER...you were fine and now you're out of control," he replied, continuing to stir the pot.

Yep, this is pretty typical for us, when one of us starts...IT'S ON!LOL! We are both feisty, strong willed and hate to be wrong. It's nice to meet your match though, we both tend to be overbearing so it's fun to spar...that's what we like to call it. We've been married for 8 years and together for 10 so I guess it works for us.

Reaching our final destination only intensified the feelings. I need everything to be PERFECT...there it is, I've arrived at that dreaded place...MY SELF DOUBT! I just want it to go away! It's better but still lingers when I want everything to go right. I am the official church photographer...which I LOVE and feel such a sense of satisfaction. But today was baptism day...they were doing it at the beach and wanted great pictures to send with their baptism certificates. I feel pretty confident with my action and spur of the moment shots. But this is a VERY special day! I would be up against direct sunlight...which always makes the subject look dark.

I was hoping there would be a back up camera just in case mine didn't turn out, but there wasn't. I got to the beach and started taking test shots to get it right before the big event. I think they came out okay (could be better, but I'll keep working at it). But why do I have to go THERE all the time? I hate that I am such a perfectionist...it makes me doubt myself constantly...I even start to make excuses and tell people before I get started...just in case it's not good. WHY DO I GO THERE?

You can check them out...http://www.flickr.com/photos/fastframe/sets/72157607325474369/
Hit Slideshow (top right) watch it and only leave a comment if you have something nice to say...I've stressed myself out enough!LOL!

INSOMNIA...

I can't take it anymore...I have had SEVERE insomnia for about 4 weeks now. I always have bouts of it here and there, but this is getting ridiculous. I am running on about 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night, yes, it's definitely stress related, but I can't shut my brain off, I just lay there and think, think, think. I tried melatonin, two different natural sleep aids, and Tylenol P.M. (can't function the next day.) I feel like a sloppy, drunk person trying to focus, drive and function during the day. I have to spend extra time checking and re-checking myself at work to make sure I'm not making any stupid mistakes.





We are in a scary situation right now and I've been trying to have faith, hope, trust and praying that the Lord will see us through this tough time...so here it is, I'm hoping that if I let it out, maybe I will be able to sleep and completely release it and put it in God's hands. We are very close to a foreclosure. If we can't come up with a house payment by the 30th, we will be 3 months behind...and they will start the foreclosure process. I've been keeping it all in and trying to not think about it, but obviously my subconscious is working overtime. My poor husband has been working 7 days a week, overtime and side jobs...but it is just never enough. I've been doing my side job and trying to put in extra hours at work too. I try and put it all in perspective, other people have it so much worse, but I am just sooo scared.

I have waited my whole life to own a home (I was a broke single mom for years), when my dream finally came true at the age of 36...I was an ecstatic and grateful homeowner! A fantasy wish that finally came true!! Now here I sit waiting and wondering about my families future. Never imagining that we would be in this situation, I thought my many years of struggling were over. Now, inching ever closer to the 30th, praying, waiting, hoping and trusting for a miracle.

I hope that this will relieve some of this bottled up stress, it's so embarrassing, but this is my reality...my dream may be coming to an end. Four days till my families fate...will we be able to come up with a payment, I don't know, please remember us in your prayers.

I've been reading this scripture A LOT!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6