We had our dinner night last night. It went better than I expected, however I did get a little bit of a cold shoulder from someone who I have been friends with for about 9 years. She just wasn't herself with me. I guess I could feel it so I just didn't make an effort either. That's what I tend to do...just ignore, stand behind the safety of my carefully built wall. It has served to protect me from years of hurt. It's definitely served its purpose, however lately I've been praying for help to tear it down. I've really wanted to open myself up to people other than those whom I feel safe with.
I felt like I was having a break through and really stepping outside of my comfort zone, until all of this. Of course I run right back behind it and shut down. I put on my tough girl image, the one that says, "I don't care if you don't like me! You don't matter to me anymore either." I've closed the door on several friendships after incidents like this.
At the Freshman game today, which we WON (34-6), she did it again. I tried to say Hi twice. She just looked at me and didn't say anything. I thought, "Ok...I'm done trying. If you're going to be like that I can easily be done too (my wall growing thicker with each incident).
Then just as the games ending, she asks me a question, like nothing's wrong. Now I'm thinking what is up? Did she just not see me the two times I walked right in front of her and waved? Am I reading into it because I'm expecting this. I don't know...it's just too much! I don't want to deal with this high school drama at my age!
Just when I'm really ready to tear down my walls...something scares me and back I go to my safe distant place!