Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Cleaning Up The Past Friendships

Years ago I was friends with a girl who I met when my oldest son (now 22) & her son were in elementary school together. Our sons were best friends & we soon became very close too. We had a lot in common, we both loved to dance (go to clubs), were sarcastic & loved to joke around. I was going through some hard times financially & she let me & my three boys come & stay with her until we got back on our feet (for about 3 months.)

Everything was going along fine, I was cleaning, taking/picking up the kids from school, football & baseball practices, I wanted to be sure I was making her life easier & not harder because she was letting us stay with her. Then I found out she was talking behind my back & making hurtful comments to other people about me. I never asked her if we could stay with her, she offered, I refused, but she insisted saying it would be no big deal, it was only for a few months. My feelings were kind of hurt, but I never said anything (which was definitely not like me.)

Then one day, it went a step further I couldn't pick up the kids because of a prior engagement. She said, "No problem, I'll have my friend do it." Okay, no biggy, right?


She had her friend pick up her son & left my two young sons to walk home alone. You can say all you want about me, but when you mess with mama bear's kids, and their safety, it's on! I snapped, I couldn't believe it. Needless to say, that ended the friendship.

About 10 years later I ran into her, (she was in front of me at Target.) I acted as if I didn't see her, even when she made a point of telling the checker that an item wasn't her's, but mine. I continued to ignore her (never made eye contact.)

Then a few weeks ago, I was coming out of a Sushi Restaurant, & she was walking up, I quickly looked the other way & kept walking. Now, here's the thing, I'm not mad at her anymore, I'm a different person than I was 15 years ago. I'm very grateful for what she did...people make mistakes, Lord knows I have. But I don't know why I can't just walk up to her & say, "Hey, thank you for all you did, I'm sorry for the way things turned out." The past is the past.

But that fear of rejection, not knowing how she'll react, leaves me in that, "I can't see you-you can't see me place!"lol! Anyways, I'm telling all of this because I've made a decision to be BOLD the next time I run into her. No more hiding, ignoring & looking the other way. It's time to clean up past friendships.

So do any of you have messy friendships that need cleaning up? Or am I the only immature one?


Lucy said...

It seems I never made really close friends because I always was the poor girl or lady. Now the few friends I had are gone. I guess I just lived longer.trone

The Photodiarist said...

This was an interesting read. There's only one person I can think of who would inspire me to turn the other way if I saw her today. She was awful so I have no desire to mend fences with her. But frankly, if I ran into her (i.e. she was in front of me at Target), I probably say hello and left it at that. I don't think you need to strive to be friends with people who are clearly not deserving of your friendship, but I find it easier (and less dramatic) to just be civil (and no more) with people I don't care for. Why give them any more "ammo" by ignoring them or being impolite. You know?

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Anonymous said...

Been there. It started when I first enter the school where I am now. I was a newbie in this state and I never actually before that stayed away from my family, so everything was somehow new to me. That time, I were in need for a friend and the only nice person I met was my roommate(my former roommate).She helped me with everything.Took me out,have fun, assist me financially(because she insisted to help me clearing up my financial problems),we would talk for hours at night before fell asleep. I thought she's really being nice and I'm grateful that I met such person here. yet, I knew nothing behind my back. She went around telling our classmates everything negative about me. While she was being nice in front of me, she was too being the devil on my back. My classmates hated(they pretended to be nice to her in front but mocking her at the back) her because she's too bossy and just because she's older than us, she requested us to call her 'Sister'. Somehow, it was not always good for her.A classmate(who is now one of my good friends)told me that her been talking bad about me. Telling my classmates including the guys of how I do my laundry, that she lent me so much money, that I am like a burden to her, etc... I were like OMG at that time. I cried and that classmate comforted me. And that time, real friends(classmates)came in and gave me their support.

Anonymous said...


I were lucky that they stood by my side.After I found out about her badmouthing me behind my back, I moved out of the room. My stuffs were still there, I just want to show her how much I were pissed off by what she had done.after few times she tried to overpowered and putting the blame on me(she went to the lecturers and counselors at school, telling them I'm being such a whore for not accompanying her in the room by moving out of the room),I confronted her. Before, I were a timid girl,so she thought she can control and overpowered me at the night of our confrontation. it all started when I refused to sit next to her boyfriend at the hall(at our school's dinner). She yelled at me at the hall and acted so snobbish. I felt like I wanted to cry at the time but my classmates were all supportive. So, I came back to our room and she said she wanted to talk and yadayadayada. She shouted as if she wanted me to cry and feel scared. She thought I were the weakest person she ever met. And so, that was the time I finally realised this person was up to no good. I yelled at her, in a very fluent English, I burst out everything everyone had been telling me and you guess who cried..? Haha. Yup. she cried sobbing. Haha. My classmate(from room next door) was in the room too at that time of confrontation because she was my witness to all the badmouthing done by the girl, so she was my supporter. I had a rough relationship with that girl until now. She tried to become my friend again after quite few times when people ditched her after they knew she was a rotten egg. I didn't do anything. I just kept quiet and let my classmates do all the talking and badmouthing of her for me. Lol. Really, I were all quiet about it. Yet, she told counselors and lecturers(again!) that I spread bad stories about her. OMG. Obviously after the drama and stuffs, she was up and down with problems(going in and out of our school's court for doing bad things around campus(she was caught red-handed with guy from other class in a dark corner in one building in school. lol) FYI, she was using me to get to that guy actually. So, they got married and she told everyone she had changed into a better person which, I knew she's not!. she's a good actress. Really good, you know.I can never accept her into my life again. Classmates majority are being supportive to me. They helped me to put her in the hell situation, having no one wanting to work or talk to her. but nowadays, we're(my classmates and I vs. her) cool. Well, both of us still not talking, and I myself said to everyone, I feel itchy and pain whenever she's close to me. Even at around 5 feet distance. Yup, I am really that terrible and immature. She gave me presents for my bdays. But I never gave her anything. Oh I am not that good actress. Up until now, and 5 years ahead as classmates, I will never talk to her. It was a pain and heartache experience that I ever had and she was the reason of my downfall back at when I first entered this school.I don't think I can ever talk even get closer to such person. It's her choice then, that she badmouthed me. It's really her choice.she got to live with the consequences of choosing that choice. Am I right?? Oh this is long... :D

Lisa Petrarca said...

Yes, I definitely agree...if someone has been extremely hurtful & caused you pain, you should have no desire to start that friendship back up again.

In my case, I'm not necessarily interested in starting the friendship all over again, however I do feel the need to 'make peace with the past' so to speak. So by clearing the air & letting her know that I did appreciate what she did for me during a difficult time in my life, I can feel comfortable during those times our paths may cross.

I do believe that it's best for each of us to try to forgive people & move on. Forgiving others is actually the best gift you can give yourself!!:D

bravegrrl said...

i think most people run into similar situations one way or another.... but i do think you should say hi and say what you want to say... at the very least it would make you feel better :)

SC said...

Been there, done that! :)

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