ADOPTION-THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED

It's been a while since I've posted. In my last post I talked about the struggle of adoption and the unfortunate baggage carried. It's truly heartbreaking to watch the regression, especially when you know the majority of his problems stem from an abusive parent, making it all the more difficult.

As my son began his Senior year of high school last week, the customary 1st day picture revealed his smiling face, but that grin never reached his eyes...because he still isn't happy. He's been seeing a Psychologist weekly, which has definitely helped, but the sadness, fear, worry, depression, anxiety and anti-social behavior still leaves a big, dark, hovering cloud. Our son's sadness seeps through his often closed bedroom door, permeating throughout the entire house. I try to do everything I can to meet his needs and helping him open up, while providing boundaries of appropriate behavior. He can be very rude to us and other people, but then just as quickly, he can turn on the charm for those he deems worthy/or those who can benefit him in some way. I realize it's learned behavior, especially for kids who have spent years in and out of the foster care system. They learn to "work people".

So with fear of this turning into a rant of a mother's worry or despair, I grab hold of it all, and lay it down at The LORD'S Feet in prayer. My son needs restoration, healing, and a renewed heart. I know the One who can do this. I know mountains of impossible are moved in situations just such as this. You see, we didn't go out searching to bring another child into our home after our youngest (6th child) had graduated and headed off to college.
No.
We were ready for "our time."
But GOD!
HE brought our son into our lives and heart via a simple email and then parted the way for him to become our son, as we learned to take steps of faith along the way.
All I have to do is remember how are son arrived into our lives and I know The LORD is moving. Even in the hard places of doubt and tears.
Even when my son is still in the midst of the darkness of his past, feeling "different" and alone.
JESUS meets me in this place, reminding that HE makes all things new.

I pray.
I lay it all down daily.
I learn to trust.
I pray some more and wait on The LORD.
I am strengthened in those moments of letting go.
I'm reminded that HE Loves my son even more than I do.
HE placed him in our lives for a purpose.
HE has a Good and Mighty Plan for him and us.
This current view is not the final picture but only a journey in faith and trust.

I sigh.
Peace pours over worry.
GOD'S got this!
"Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh. Is there anything too hard for Me?"~Jeremiah 32:27

Are You Hiding Sparse Areas?

I have a very important tradition every year that drives my family crazy...I have to find the *perfect* Christmas tree. This year our hunt was way behind schedule due to our trip to the Packers game. So this afternoon, I got up out of my sick bed so we could find it. As we pulled up to our normal lot it looked like they were tearing it down. The man said, "All trees are $20.00 and you have until sundown, we're closing shop." Woah...we just made it! As I went through row by row of the tiny, sparsely branched trees, I became discouraged, asking one of the workers, "Do you have any large trees left hidden in the back or something?" "No, this is about it," he replied. I continued back and forth, having my son, little Josh, grab one just in case I couldn't find anything better. I finally narrowed it down to three best of the worst, giving in to the tallest one. Once we got home it looked even worse than I anticipated. The hubby tried to console me when he noticed the dismayed look on my face by saying, "It'll look better once we get it decorated." But there were too many bare spots to try to hide. So we rotated it to camouflage the worst parts and shoved it up against the wall. 

Friends, my poor empty branched tree reminded me of what I'd done for years in my own life. I tried to fix the outside while camouflaging the empty areas in my heart and soul that were in dire need of mending and growth. Year after year I put up a great front, but inside I was wilting. All my hiding began to become very apparent to those closest to me. I needed to make some big changes. 

So today because of this reminder I'm choosing to be thankful for this less than perfect tree! I'm thankful that when I decided to stop trying to hide, opening up my emptiness to JESUS, giving HIM access to all of my brokenness, I no longer felt the need to hide my flaws. HE took my less than and filled me with more of HIS Love and Forgiveness, causing growth in every area of weakness..the very things HE already knew I was lacking.

Friends, are you hiding sparse areas? Join me in continually taking it all to The LORD in prayer. We don't need to attempt to conceal...HE already knows. Let's expose those flaws to the Unconditional, Restoring Love and Light of CHRIST. 

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."~John 15:5

Jump on the Thankful Train...what are you thankful for?

And The Results Are In....

I went to the doctor's yesterday to see if my little accident produced a broken foot. I was so nervous that he was going to start squeezing and pulling on the area when he checked it. But I made sure he didn't...the second he barely touched the swollen bruised area, I scared the hell out of him, I yelled, "Ouch...be careful!" So he left it alone and sent me over for X-Ray's.

To my surprise and delight...IT'S NOT BROKEN! He said that if it continues to hurt after a couple of weeks, I would need to get re-X-Rayed to see if they missed anything. But I think I'm okay, the swelling is way down and I'm able to put some weight on it.

OK, I know what some of you are thinking, "What a big baby...it's not even broken!" Well, read the previous post again and remember, "I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE A BABY AFTER ALL MY YEARS OF DRAMA!"LOL!

Job Interview

We've been sending out Resume's to EVERYONE. You can definitely see how the economy is affecting the available job market. I thought that the lower paying jobs (for kids) would be a little easier to get. Josh has been trying to find a job now for what seems like forever. He finally received a call and has an interview tomorrow at 3:00 p.m. Keep your fingers crossed...he really needs this job! It's right across the street from my house too, which would make it really convenient.

Josh's dad asked him to move out last week. Josh moved in with him when he turned 18. He spent years hurting because his dad never wanted to have a relationship with him. Now his dad and new wife are having a baby and told Josh he needs to find somewhere else to live. He's really upset and angry with him. I think he feels like he is just throwing him away because he has a new family. His dad was a party buddy and not really a parent.

I'm hoping he moves back here...I'm one of those mom's who loves having her kids at home. Most parents say, "I can't wait till they move out!" But I cried for weeks when Josh left. I guess when you have kids they'll always be your babies, even when they grow up.

I need to learn not to be an enabler though...I tend to help Josh a lot because of his ADD. He has definitely gotten better over the years, but I still find myself doing too much for him to try and make things easier. I've learned that I need to step back and let him fail sometimes so he can grow and learn from his mistakes. Even after 20 years of being a mother, I'm still constantly learning and growing. By the time Elijah's 18 I hope I have this whole parenting thing mastered. No wonder grandparents are so awesome with the kids...they've had years to perfect themselves!

Okay...You Win!

Okay everyone...you win! I got the message and I went. I didn't do lunges today, only ran two times around (my knees hurt...can you say OLD LADY!) BUT I did walk very fast two whole miles...WOO HOO!!

I'm still in agony but I'm going to keep trying. I'm hoping to recruit a few of my friends who are in worse shape than me so I'm not always last! Yep it's like that - I'm still very competitive even when I'm old, rickety and out of shape. Wish you were all here to join me, well not ALL of you, just the out of shape one's. LOL!

Bet you'd never guess that I was the only girl on the boys varsity soccer team in high school! AWWWWE youth...those were the days!!!

DO I or DON'T I???

I thought I would ask you guys what I should do...I exercised for the first time yesterday. I'm not talking about the "normal" exercising like doing 20 minutes on a stationary bike, lift a few weights, once you feel your muscles getting a little fatigued you stop. Oh no, this torture...I mean exercise was with a personal trainer mom whose son is on my son's team. For the past few days about 5 or 6 mom's have gotten their butt's out of their chairs and headed to the track. I watched (I was only wearing flip flops), while a few of the mom's shouted out, "Hey Lis, you need to bring your running shoes tomorrow!" I actually thought about it, they seemed to be jogging pretty slow. I started thinking, "I can do that, maybe I will bring shoes tomorrow." That was until they started on the lunges around the WHOLE track!

Now, I'm one of those people that know how to hide all my nasty, flabby "junk" in a pair of cute longer trendy shorts, pants or capri's. I didn't realize I had such a special talent at camouflage until a few of the ladies said, "You must work out, you look great." Ha Ha Ha Ha, if they only knew...I will not get in a bathing suit this year cuz my butt and legs look NASTY! So I proceeded to point out all my flaws to them. Next I realized that I was complaining so much, I HAD to work out with them, great...my mouth always gets me into trouble.

Yesterday, I went home and tried to come up with a good excuse to tell them...couldn't find one, put on my LONG sweats in 85 degree weather. I headed to the field, late to make sure I didn't have to work out the whole 2 hours. OH MY GOSH, I was dead, I couldn't even make it the four times around the track (1 mile), I had to start walking. I haven't really worked out in about 2 years and a lot of these moms work out everyday! My kids were yelling at me, "Cmon mom, your in last, stop being such a woosie!" I wanted to smack them down!LOL! Then the lunges, my thighs were screaming, "NO NO NO, What are you doing?" Then back to the running (1 mile), lunges, running (another mile), lunges, finally ending with the dreaded series of ab workouts!!!

I think the trainer wasn't too excited that I joined in with the other mom's. She was trying to motivate while I kept saying, "I haven't worked out in two years...must walk!" Then I dragged a few of the motivated mom's down to my level. I had a little crew of walkers, while only two mom's and the trainer continued jogging. Yep I'm a bad influence.

Today I could barely walk, I hurt EVERYWHERE...even my neck. To top it off, I'm supposed to do it again. I hate the way I look, but the thought of doing it again makes me want to puke! So, do I suck it up, and head to the field in my workout gear or sit down read a book, come up with a good excuse and rest my aching legs? Someone help me? I HATE TO EXCERCISE...I HATE MY FLABBY BODY!!! Quite the dilemma....

GOOD NEWS!!!

First and foremost I want to thank ALL of you SO much for your encouraging comments, and prayers! It was amazing to me how many friends and family "showed up" with love and support. We often think of blogging as just a past time, something that's fun and often meaningless. However, when things go wrong or you're struggling, all of your "blogging friends" are the first one's to be there for you. The comments you left were uplifting, inspiring, and encouraging...THANK YOU!!

Now, about my good news...I made an appointment with the Orthopedic Specialist today first thing this morning. Luckily they were able to get me in today. He checked everything out and said it appears to be just a bad sprain/strain of the Achilles tendon. He said he will probably be able to completely walk on it again in a week and a half or so. They took his cast off and we just have it wrapped with an ace bandage. He is able to put a little bit of weight on it. They didn't do an MRI because he didn't show any signs of a tear. He said if he does not improve as expected to bring him back in, but he thinks he will be as good as new. He was amazed that he only received that slight injury after a bike vs. car accident.

Once again, I am the most grateful and thankful mom in the whole world! When things go wrong in one area of our lives...Heavenly Father is standing right beside us, holding our hand, wiping our tears, carrying us, and watching over us. May we always remember that we do not need to go through troubles and trials alone. Jesus died for us...his love is greater than any problem, hurt, anger, or fearful situation. Just let go and TRUST, you will be amazed at the miracles that will happen in your life!

Matthew 7:7-8
Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.
For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.

My Son Blames Me!

My son Josh, who recently got a DUI, finally contacted me last Thursday and I picked him up at his friends house (they took his license when he was arrested). I was so excited to hear from him! We went and got lunch then he came back to the house. We hung out and talked, he seemed more like his old self. He walked across the street to the grocery store with me, had dinner with the family and even the little kids said, "Wow, Josh talked alot!" Which is unusual, because he never talks to any of us...it's like pulling teeth just to have a conversation.

Today he said he was coming over for dinner, I got really excited again. While I was cooking I asked him if he wanted me to go to court with him on May 28th? He said, "NO, you've babied me my whole life and I'm 19 now and having to learn everything because you never taught me!" I said, "What are you talking about? I taught you how to do your own laundry, showed you how important it is to never give up and always finish what you start. We went and opened a bank account, I tried to teach you how to save, write checks, balance your checkbook, helped you find and purchase a car, showed you how to put gas in it. Taught you right from wrong, and ALWAYS punished you when you made bad choices". He just repeated how much I babied him and now he is having to learn the hard way!

I can tell you right now this statement is coming from his father, (the same guy who has NEVER been a part of his life until he was 18, never paid child support until he turned 16 and then it was whatever he felt like paying, after I spent a week and a half begging for the money). My son spent years crying himself to sleep, while I comforted him because his dad wanted nothing to do with him.

I felt like crying right in the kitchen...it's so hard when you have busted your butt your whole life to make sure that you were raising your kids right and making sure they never did without and then to be blamed for all their problems...while the person who really has caused the mess, (his father) is now the wonderful parent! My son had no BIG problems until he moved in with his alcoholic father who bought it for him and his friends and then partied with them. He let him do whatever he wanted and was a party buddy, NOT A FATHER.

So the minute he is in trouble...IT'S MY FAULT! Wow, it's amazing....how I am the bad one for loving, caring, guiding and disciplining him. It hurts and I hope someday he will realize how much I sacrificed to give him a good, stable, and loving upbringing...I need to go and cry now, thanks for listening, needed to get it all out.